


He never knew.

by hinataboke9



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Soft Hisoillu, but it's not like he knows either, clowns being in love, hisoka tries to teach him, illumi doesn't know what love is, illumi has feelings and he doesn't like it, or maybe he does, soft with a tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23908492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinataboke9/pseuds/hinataboke9
Summary: No one had ever told him it could feel this good to be known, and to be scared. He never knew someone else's hands could touch him with such delicacy instead of leaving bruises. His eyes stared blankly at the dark as his thoughts raced, as he leaned into Hisoka's strong body, and Illumi thought it would've felt so sweet to die like that.
Relationships: Hisoillu - Relationship, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 14
Kudos: 505





	He never knew.

Illumi's hands were shaking. It was barely noticeable, but it bothered him. His black eyes wide open in the dark, the blanket reaching just above his elbows giving him an uncomfortable sensation, his whole body felt almost like it was tingling.

He couldn't remember what he was dreaming about before he woke up, he was only certain that there were no magicians in his nightmare. He only knew this weird panic feeling taking over him as he blinked in the night, breathed in deeply through his mouth, and paralyzed.

He thought of Hisoka laying on the other side of the bed, right behind Illumi's back. Hisoka, in that same bed, under that same blanket, so close that it scared him.

Illumi didn't remember when he'd started spending so much time at Hisoka's. And he didn't know what the two of them were. It had just happened with time, they'd started sleeping together occasionally, mostly to celebrate victories, and Illumi would always leave as soon as they were done, until one night he'd stayed, and then another, and then another. Until one morning he'd woken up with their bodies so, so close, and then with Hisoka's hands in his silky hair, and then with their legs tangled and then with soft lips on his cheeks. Illumi always tried to push Hisoka's affection away, but, for some reason, it was pretty hard. He didn't know what this was, it made him weaker but he couldn't let it go.

Hisoka was laying beside him right now, but he didn't dare to turn around to look.

His mind wandered and he couldn't stop it. Was Hisoka really still there? Had something happened to him while Illumi was asleep? Or, was something yet to happen that would take him away? Was it love, the thing they had? Was love like this? Did it really feel like deep, wrenching, unexpected fear?

He shut his eyes tight.

"Hisoka." He whispered.

"Hisoka."

No answer. He didn't dare to move, and raised his voice a little.

"Hisoka."

"Mh..?"

Illumi's body relaxed just slightly, and he noticed his shaky breathing. Something touched his shoulder and he did his best not to flinch, knowing it was just Hisoka's hand, now running down his arm, warm and incredibly familiar and comforting.

Hisoka had really taught Illumi what it meant to care for someone. As fucked up as they both were, somehow, this red haired magician had managed to show Illumi so many things he never knew. He never knew there could be people outside of his own family whose life was valuable, and he never knew how it felt to be vulnerable in front of someone else, until Hisoka came around with his outgoing, curious self, picked Illumi apart and tried to read every inch of him.

And Illumi was learning to let him.

"Illu?" Hisoka's voice, cracking under the weight of his tiredness, was now closer. Illumi could feel his lips brushing softly against his shoulder blade, warm breath on his skin. "Turn around. Look at me."

Illumi obliged, and shifted under the blanket turning to face the other in the dim room. Hisoka's hand didn't stop touching him. His golden eyes were fixed on Illumi's face and untied his tense muscles instantly.

Hisoka's eyebrows lowered in a frown as he kept examining the black eyes in front of him. "What is it?"

Illumi had no words to say. Not ones he could explain right now. Hisoka was making him _want_ to show how weak he could be, making him scared to death of being alone again, making him feel like there was something more important than respecting his family and killing and being in control.

"You're here." He said eventually. That didn't seem to answer Hisoka's question, but he wasn't going to ask any more. He never did, he'd never once forced an answer.

Illumi reached out with his hand until he met Hisoka's warm skin, his fingertips pressing on his collarbone. It was too dark to see, but Illumi knew all the scars on that body by heart.

They were silent for a few seconds.

"It's new to me." Illumi forced the words out. "This." He finally moved his stare away. "This... not wanting someone to leave."

For so long Illumi had thought he would end up killing the magician, and now he was here, in the middle of the night, breathing the same oxygen as him, and terrified of not having him anymore.

The corner of Hisoka's lips lifted a little.

Illumi blinked and looked at him again, trying to get his usual emotionless self back. "It's sort of annoying."

And it was. His heartbeat was faster than normal, most of his thoughts included Hisoka, distracting him from his work, and this fear wouldn't let him sleep. He didn't know why Hisoka stayed with him, why he didn't leave or let him get killed at every chance, why he let him sleep in that bed almost every night.

Hisoka moved closer and pressed his lips to Illumi's, just touching them for a second, then pulled away. His hand moved some strands of hair from the assassin's face. "You'll get used to it."

But Illumi didn't think he could ever get used to this. He hated himself a little for wanting more, for wanting Hisoka, for having feelings other than blind rage and bloodlust. But his anger slowly dissipated under the soft touch of a hand on his face, tracing his jawline. He closed his eyes again.

"I'm not leaving, anyway." Hisoka said. One of his legs raised to wrap around Illumi's body, then pulled him closer. A smile flashed on his face. "I'm gonna have to kill you some day. I can't leave before I do that."

Illumi slowly, instinctively lowered his head to hide his face under the other's chin. He breathed in his scent. Candy with a hint of liquor. It was sweet and it stayed on his clothes for days on end when they couldn't see each other.

"Plus, I kinda like you." Hisoka added, and his fingers were running through Illumi's hair, and occasionally down his naked spine. He sighed and hummed a little against soft black hair and held Illumi closer. Suddenly, the eldest of the Zoldyck siblings didn't feel like a killer anymore. He felt all his resolve melt away and warmth spreading all over him, and still a little fear of letting his guard down, but not enough to keep him from doing it. He felt human.

So this was what he'd been missing. This was why Killua always insisted to keep Gon alive even if it caused him so much trouble, and maybe, hopefully, this was why Hisoka wouldn't leave his side. No one had ever told him it could feel this good to be known, and to be scared. He never knew someone else's hands could touch him with such delicacy instead of leaving bruises. His eyes stared blankly at the dark as his thoughts raced, as he leaned into Hisoka's strong body, and Illumi thought it would've felt so sweet to die like that.

He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally let his eyes close, and let himself press a slow kiss to the side of Hisoka's neck.

"Get some sleep." Hisoka mumbled, and Illumi could feel his voice vibrating under his lips. "I'll be here."

**Author's Note:**

> The only thing I ever write is: introspective one shot where nothing happens and character realizes they are in love.  
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
